cyberspace junkyard

Retrospect

Why is that you can look back on the devastating time when you broke up with your ex for reasons that were completely justified and rational and only think of him with fondness and affection?

I've been cleaning my room, in preparation for moving house in a few weeks. In one of my secret boxes (I have several) I found my collection of love letters, emails, cards, notes, photos, momentos, song lyrics and other useless items from my first serious relationship.

sidenote - what defines a serious relationship anyway? well, in our case, when we started planning when we'd get married, I kinda took the hint it was getting serious!

Declarations of undying love and eternal gratitude that we'd found each other that once had me swooning when I first read them had me... well... swooning again.

I might read or listen to someone else go on and on and on and on about their wonderful relationship and how blessed they are to be together yada yada yada and feel like reaching for a bucket, but for some reason, while still fighting that indubitable sense of ickiness in the pit of the stomach, I couldn't help grinning from ear to ear and wondering why we'd broken up. How often is it that you can find a guy who quotes love poetry and lyrics and has no qualms in greeting you as "the most loved, admired and cherished woman in the world" while constantly showering you with PDAs (yes - public displays of affection - *gasp*) and reassurances that he was in it for the long haul, with actions to back it up?

Okay - cover your eyes if you don't want to hear me say this, cos I'm not emotional as a rule and I really dislike inducing people to puke...
He made me feel special. He taught me how to be selfless and to put your partner before yourself. He showed me that if we both entered and continued in the relationship with our integrity intact and focussing on God as our strength and guide, then we're bonded together by much more than just fleeting emotion.

Okay okay - this was 1st and 2nd year uni. And yes, this was my first relationship that lasted past a date before I realised that the high school guy sitting opposite on the train, was, in fact, just a slightly more developed species of moron. Yes, I was completely swept off my feet. Yes, I should have thought twice before agreeing to let him spend 1-2 years in Canada for his internship even though we'd only been going out for 9 months. Yes, we probably should have gotten to know each other more slowly before committing so deeply.

At the end of the day though - I couldn't do it. I couldn't dive headfirst into the deep end, knowing that the chance of us staying together til he returned to Australia was getting slimmer by the month. I couldn't hold him to that, so I let him go. He doesn't know this - if he did, he would have tried to convince me that he could wait the 2 years, that in our 9 months together, he'd become so sure that we were meant to be together. He wouldn't have let me break up him and my resolve would have crumbled. And so I had to hurt him. I had to make it clear that it wasn't going to work and that I was going to go on with my life even if he couldn't. That was the only way that he could let go too.

Things do change though, and indeed, in our case, they have changed. What was a beautiful relationship, turned quickly into a strong and supportive friendship but unfortunately it soured. If only I'd listened to my own circle theory!

But my stomach grumbles and when I have to obey my cravings for food.

Perhaps I'll finish the story later.